New beginings...and frustrations

Well, Tom Buchanan is moving moving to West Egg, leaving us East Eggers to hold things together. Yes, that's right, Tom Buchanan is on the move. While it is for the best, I have never been a fan of change. There is no time frame and no set dates. It is painful to watch things come to this point, but I sat back too long and watched my life continue down a destructive path.

On the upside, my sweet Wall is improving everyday. His new meds seem to be working and he is becoming comfortable in his own skin again. I love to see these changes and I'm so thankful I found the strength to go against Tom Buchanan's wishes and get Wall the help he needed.

My frustrations are starting to surface in small and often silly ways.

I desperately want to go back and edit all my typos and misspellings in my blogs...but I promised myself I would let my thoughts stand as posted, no matter how irritating that may be. So if you see a typo, please don't point it out to me cause I may go postal on you for it! (And I probably already noticed it.)

I also want to scream at other people who can't spell!!! Now, I'm not talking about text or instant message type spellings. I'm talking about blatant spelling errors. I read my email and want to start screaming at some people's complete lack of concern for spelling! How hard are basic words??? Really...if anyon elce tells me they are reasting, I'm gona be pissed!!!

Finally, I want to shove hockey pucks down the throats of those parents who think that a coaches curfew and rules while traveling are OPTIONAL!!! Coach Nice Guy gave very specific directions to the boys about expected behavior while on our travel weekend. They were told certain activities were off limits and a curfew would be in place. Not only did the boys disregard the rules, but their parents didn't see a need to enforce them!

Four league games and counting...

Game On!

Like any good higher school kid from the 90's, I too can proudly sing the Wayne's World theme song...and I'm damn pround of it!

And I have decided to live like Wayne & Garth...GAME ON!

I have made a choice. A choice that I must own. And a choice that will bring pain. But I must be willing to accept all things that come with this choice, or I really haven't made the choice that I know is the one right one.

I am going to live my life.

I will no longer live Tom Buchanan's life, not Wall's life, and not Princess' life. I will live MY life.

I refuse to cage my thoughts, ideas, feelings, and desires. Resentment, anger, and bitterness will no longer control life. Fear and anxiety will be faced head on. Strangers will no longer be given control of my self image and my self respect.

I will have crappy days. I will have wonderful days. I may succeed. I may fail. But in 12 months, this will no longer be my life.

I will stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Party's over!

So yesterday was kind of a crappy day. Today, however is a new day, and tomorrow is still on the horizon!

Sometimes, as moms, we try so hard to comfort those around us that we forget we are supposed to take care of ourselves. After a day of emotional highs and lows...okay, mostly lows...I finally had to allow myself to have a few moments of self pity and frustration.

Wow, it's amazing how much clearer I am thinking this morning! (A few tears shed and it's like 50 lbs have been lifted!)

So tomorrow is back to the grind at the rink...but then it's GIRLS NIGHT!!!

And on a serious note...

Wall has been struggling with ADHD since he was very little. After failing to see improvements from the diet change, behavioral modifications, numerous therapies, and various other "remedies", we finally decided that we had to try meds.

Lately, my Wall has been cracking and the meds just weren't helping. So I took my Wall to visit the new doctor today. I feel oddly relieved and oddly anxious all at the same time.

Despite knowing all the signs and symptoms, I was still a bit taken aback when they handed me the information packet about Aspergers Disorder. Really, Asperger's? WHY???

Okay, okay...you're right. I shouldn't have been too surprised. It really would make sense.

You know what I really want to do now? I want to walk into that frozen hell of those team parents and tell them all where they can stick their hateful comments. My kids isn't LAZY like they so desperately want to believe!

So there!

All the king's horses and all the king's men...

When Humpty Dumpty fell off his wall, did he have a Life Alert? How did the king's men know he had fallen?

Perhaps Humpty was trying to get away from it all. But he was never truly ALONE, and that's too bad. I am starting to realize that simply sitting on a wall with no one next to me doesn't mean I'm in true solitude. The king's men have their trusty spotting scopes trained on my every move. And the king's horses are ready to ride at the drop of a hat.

I now look forward to Monday nights at the rink. Oh, don't get me wrong, the stands are still filled with ice and hell's flood gates often open up. But Monday nights are different. A very select group of us hold our own private meetings at a local business establishment. There, we enjoy some regional fare and good conversation...it passes the time. Unfortunately, in order to pass that time, we miss out on the actual events taking place at the rink.

Coach Nice Guy always has things under control, so my worries are not with the coaching. My worry is what leads me to need that true solitude. As of late, my Wall is cracking. His typical demeanor of strength and confidence are showing signs of weakness and things are crumbling down all around him. I'm afraid these may not be typical teenager cracks...there is something more...something deeper.

My Wall has issues.

I have come to realize that my life is just like Humpty Dumpty's. He didn't fall off his wall out of carelessness. Humpty's wall was cracking and the only thing he could do to stop the total collapse was to take the weight off.

This week, a new mason will check out my Wall. Cracks will be examined and maybe even some support beams will be added. Until then, my solitude is partial...the king's horses and the king's men will stand guard.

When Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall..

At what point can I throw my hands up in the air and declare that I quit???

I found myself filled with dread this afternoon as I pulled into the ice rink...back to hell. For those of you who don't know it, hell is, indeed, frozen over. I have the joy of experiencing it three times a week with each kid. (That's six times a week for those of you even less proficient in math than myself!) Well, it's really only hell with one kid. I actually enjoy the rink with the other kid.

So anyway, I was confronted with niceness and questions of honest interest today. WTF??? Did Santa deliver hearts this year? I kept waiting for the flood gates of hellish hot water to open, but it didn't. Until, that is, I turned my attention to the ice.

There, in all his newly purchased post-Christmas glory (that nearly required a 2nd mortgage), was my Wall...looking like a wall only in the sense that he seemed tall. Princess could have grabbed her hockey gear and scored on his slow moving non-blocking personage!

Needless to say, Coach Nice Guy was ticked and wasn't so nice to my Wall. Six weeks and counting until the end of the season. And now it's not even about the ice in the stands!