Learning To Count

In time, all things become clear. And in time, all things become muddled in our memories.

Days...
In a days time, we can completely reshape our opinion of those we thought we knew so well.
In a days time, we can reflect on events of days past and question our decisions and our motives.
In a days time, we can decide if we will spectate or participate in our own lives.

Weeks...
In a weeks time, we can lose ourselves in the pain of others.
In a weeks time, we forget the simple pains of yesterday.

Years...
In a years time, we allow our world to be recreated by others because we fail to stand up.


In these many months I have tried hard to learn exactly what is that Tom Buchanan wants from me. I have tried to give my Wall a firm foundation. And I have attempted to lift my Princess high above the crowd that could bring her harm. In the end, I neglected to understand, support, and protect the one thing that holds it all together. I found myself hiding in the foreground hoping to be over looked.

I'm paralyzed with fear but dying to feel free and wanted again. I struggle with convictions and needs. I am on the threshold of a turning point. Turning to a new direction. A point of marked change.

No more hiding in the safety of the forest edge. Sunlight shines brighter in the open meadow.

Wow! What a difference a day can make...

Tom Buchanan has left...sort of. His unemployment has prevented him from finding his own place, but alas, he is staying with a friend of his (who is married to a relative of mine). This all transpired after a rather nonsensical, and extremely heated, argument last week.

You see, I was trying to be polite and accommodating. I also wanted him to spend more time with Wall and Princess. Time. Good thing I wasn't going for quality...at least not where Wall is concerned. I tend to think of quality time as something that transpires while both parties are enjoying themselves...not while one is held camptive tot he rantings of the other. Princess, however, has Tom Buchanan wrapped around her finger.

I'll spare you the details of the horrible, no good, very bad argument that led to this current state of existence. But I will happily say that the mornings are very peaceful now. Wall still doesn't get up on time, but he understands that I will not allow him to slack off. (I'm afraid to see if he has picked up his bathroom at all this week, though.) Princess awakes with a stretch and smile, asks for her breakfast, then peacefully makes her way to the bathroom for her morning ritual...clothes, hair, and teeth. Tom Buchanan arrives in a timely and orderly fashion to whisk them off to school.

Have a good day at school Wally! You too, Beaver!

Tom Buchanan and I have actually been civil to one another. But anything seems civil after threats of excommunication and life long hatred. I have no idea how long this "stage" will continue, but things are more relaxed now.

Now, I get to tell him about all the upcoming expenses for Wall's summer season and camp, and Princess's upcoming competitions. Hmmm, this should be fun.

Who knows how it will go in the end...

In my attempt to reclaim my life, I have faced a few set backs...

Tom Buchanan packed his belongings and we prepared for his departure. And then we found ourselves on a plane...me, Tom Buchanan, Wall, and Princess. We were headed to a winter wonderland for a funeral. It was a difficult trip for many reasons. We were civil and played the part of happy couple very well, we just didn't say a whole lot to one another.

We returned home and moved forward with our plans. When Tom Buchanan packed his last box and headed to West Egg, I knew life was forever changed. I wasn't prepared for the way in which it changed.

You see, Tom Buchanan left that morning with the intention of returning the next weekend. I spent the morning trying to figure out how to explain the (not so) sudden change to the kids. While trying to make it through some meaningless daily tasks, I saw a random posting. Tom Buchanan was packing up his office.

WHAT THE HELL???

You see, Tom Buchanan has just been laid off. And with that information, I went into survival mode.

New beginings...and frustrations

Well, Tom Buchanan is moving moving to West Egg, leaving us East Eggers to hold things together. Yes, that's right, Tom Buchanan is on the move. While it is for the best, I have never been a fan of change. There is no time frame and no set dates. It is painful to watch things come to this point, but I sat back too long and watched my life continue down a destructive path.

On the upside, my sweet Wall is improving everyday. His new meds seem to be working and he is becoming comfortable in his own skin again. I love to see these changes and I'm so thankful I found the strength to go against Tom Buchanan's wishes and get Wall the help he needed.

My frustrations are starting to surface in small and often silly ways.

I desperately want to go back and edit all my typos and misspellings in my blogs...but I promised myself I would let my thoughts stand as posted, no matter how irritating that may be. So if you see a typo, please don't point it out to me cause I may go postal on you for it! (And I probably already noticed it.)

I also want to scream at other people who can't spell!!! Now, I'm not talking about text or instant message type spellings. I'm talking about blatant spelling errors. I read my email and want to start screaming at some people's complete lack of concern for spelling! How hard are basic words??? Really...if anyon elce tells me they are reasting, I'm gona be pissed!!!

Finally, I want to shove hockey pucks down the throats of those parents who think that a coaches curfew and rules while traveling are OPTIONAL!!! Coach Nice Guy gave very specific directions to the boys about expected behavior while on our travel weekend. They were told certain activities were off limits and a curfew would be in place. Not only did the boys disregard the rules, but their parents didn't see a need to enforce them!

Four league games and counting...

Game On!

Like any good higher school kid from the 90's, I too can proudly sing the Wayne's World theme song...and I'm damn pround of it!

And I have decided to live like Wayne & Garth...GAME ON!

I have made a choice. A choice that I must own. And a choice that will bring pain. But I must be willing to accept all things that come with this choice, or I really haven't made the choice that I know is the one right one.

I am going to live my life.

I will no longer live Tom Buchanan's life, not Wall's life, and not Princess' life. I will live MY life.

I refuse to cage my thoughts, ideas, feelings, and desires. Resentment, anger, and bitterness will no longer control life. Fear and anxiety will be faced head on. Strangers will no longer be given control of my self image and my self respect.

I will have crappy days. I will have wonderful days. I may succeed. I may fail. But in 12 months, this will no longer be my life.

I will stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life.

Party's over!

So yesterday was kind of a crappy day. Today, however is a new day, and tomorrow is still on the horizon!

Sometimes, as moms, we try so hard to comfort those around us that we forget we are supposed to take care of ourselves. After a day of emotional highs and lows...okay, mostly lows...I finally had to allow myself to have a few moments of self pity and frustration.

Wow, it's amazing how much clearer I am thinking this morning! (A few tears shed and it's like 50 lbs have been lifted!)

So tomorrow is back to the grind at the rink...but then it's GIRLS NIGHT!!!

And on a serious note...

Wall has been struggling with ADHD since he was very little. After failing to see improvements from the diet change, behavioral modifications, numerous therapies, and various other "remedies", we finally decided that we had to try meds.

Lately, my Wall has been cracking and the meds just weren't helping. So I took my Wall to visit the new doctor today. I feel oddly relieved and oddly anxious all at the same time.

Despite knowing all the signs and symptoms, I was still a bit taken aback when they handed me the information packet about Aspergers Disorder. Really, Asperger's? WHY???

Okay, okay...you're right. I shouldn't have been too surprised. It really would make sense.

You know what I really want to do now? I want to walk into that frozen hell of those team parents and tell them all where they can stick their hateful comments. My kids isn't LAZY like they so desperately want to believe!

So there!